I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
