You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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