she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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