someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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