Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Randomize
