Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
