Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
