I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
