I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
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It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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