Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
