thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
