i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
