What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
