i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
