You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I am midnight drunk by noon
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
