Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
