booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
