she woke up with a sticky ear
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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