best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
