Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
