Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
