I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Houston, we have a squirter
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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