Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
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