somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Randomize
