Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
