I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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