How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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