Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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