I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
