Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
