I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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