Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
