i think my tv is drunk
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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