my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Boobs are out for the taking
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So here I am, sexting at work.
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