We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
