Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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