Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Ladies don't puke and tell
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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