Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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