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New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I party with great urgency now.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
