omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
