We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
pop tarts are not kleenex
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
