I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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