dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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