Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
