dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
