Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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