So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
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Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
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SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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