I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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