dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
