Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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