Apparently you make a good broom.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
