A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i think i have herpe
just one?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
