That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
