He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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