I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We're using joints as your birthday candles
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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