yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
