Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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