I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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