2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
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