there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
