I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
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He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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