All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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