the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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