Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She bit a glass in half.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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