the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
